Apple has unveiled new AI models and… they are giving meh. Like, “my oat milk latte is slightly too warm” levels of disappointment.
In a grand reveal that felt more like a soft whisper than a mic drop, Apple debuted its fresh-faced AI duo: Apple On-Device and Apple Server. One runs on your iPhone (aka in your purse), the other lurks in a data center somewhere deep inside a brushed-aluminum fortress. Sounds impressive, right? Plot twist: according to Apple’s own benchmarks—yes, their own self-esteem charts—these models got dragged harder than a Y2K flip phone at a Gen Z party.
Let’s talk Apple On-Device, the smaller model that lives in your actual device. Apple claims it’s “comparable” to similarly-sized AI models from Google and Alibaba. Translation? It’s the AI equivalent of ordering a Dior knockoff on Temu and convincing yourself it’s couture. Like, it kind of works, but don’t look too closely.
Now for the big baddie, Apple Server. This is the model that’s supposed to be the brawn behind the brains. The Thor to Siri’s very tired Jane Foster. And yet… in text generation, it came in behind GPT-4o—a model OpenAI dropped like a year ago. A YEAR, BABE. In tech years, that’s basically ancient. That’s like showing up to Coachella 2025 in 2023 Balenciaga and wondering why everyone’s staring.
But wait, there’s more lukewarm sadness! In image analysis tests, Meta’s Llama 4 Scout—yes, Meta, the company that gave us the Metaverse fever dream no one asked for—outperformed Apple’s new models. Meta. Outperformed. Apple. I know. I’ll give you a minute to sob into your Hermès scarf.
Let’s pause and reflect: Apple, the company that gave us sleek, sexy, takes-a-picture-of-your-soul camera phones, is now getting served by tech rivals like it’s open mic night and they forgot their lines. Reports say Apple’s AI team is kinda-sorta-maybe flopping behind the scenes, and the much-hyped Siri glow-up? Still MIA. Probably vacationing in the Bermuda Triangle with Apple’s ambition.
Meanwhile, some customers are actually suing Apple for hyping AI features that never showed up—like waiting for Rihanna’s album and getting a Fenty lipstick instead. Cute, but not what we ordered.
Still, Apple insists their new AIs are smarter, leaner, and now speak 15 languages (which is 14 more than my ex). These models can do text summaries, analyze documents, and basically vibe with PDFs, charts, and manuscripts. It’s giving “well-read academic trying improv for the first time.”
Developers, if you’re into playing with tools that are smart but not genius, you can now access the Apple Foundation Models and sprinkle that Apple AI fairy dust into your apps. Just don’t expect ChatGPT-style wizardry. This ain’t Hogwarts, hun.
So there you have it. Apple’s new AIs: They exist. They’re trying. But for now, they’re less “revolutionary cyborg overlord” and more “intern with potential.” Stay tuned, because we know Apple loves a comeback—but this launch? She’s not that girl.
Apple’s New AI Models Are Here—and They’re Mid AF
